I Understand…
“I understand” is a statement of certainty. Leadership + Design’s focus this year is curiosity, and if we had an unofficial tagline, it might be: “Be more curious than certain.”
In this spirit, I am addressing one of the most well-intentioned but ultimately false and unhelpful statements we make as educators: “I understand.”
If we break down this statement into its intention, form, and function, it might look like this:
We usually make this statement with good intentions. We want to empathize with or reassure someone who is experiencing something hard or complex that we can relate to them. In form, we say things like, “I understand” or “I get it.” In function, these statements tend to land, at best, as un-attuned or as mere conversation fillers and, at worst, as evidence that the opposite is true.
What lies beneath a statement of certainty? These are the usual suspects:
Rescuing:
We sometimes say, “I understand” to position ourselves as someone who can help. We are performing empathy to frame ourselves as the person to turn to in times of struggle. This is often unconscious and unintentional, but it is ultimately about us. We like to be seen as empathetic and understanding because it makes us feel good.
Relief/Resistance:
We sometimes say, “I understand” to stop someone from emoting or processing their pain or complex emotions. We don’t recognize that it is hard for us to feel the emotions that surface when we hear about someone else’s pain. Instead of engaging with these feelings and investigating our sympathetic nervous system’s response, we say, “I understand” to signal the person to stop talking. We are essentially saying, “I get it; I don’t need more of what you’re sharing.” This is especially true for leaders, as people often express pain through complaints that may implicitly suggest we are not performing well in our roles. Because we are in leadership positions, we sometimes perceive others’ pain or complaints as personal critiques. What can you say or do instead?
Here are two strategies worth exploring:
Say More:
It may feel counterintuitive to ask someone to “say more” when they are sharing something hard, complex, or painful. Yet, this simple act of leaning in—rather than pulling away—can be a powerful way to listen and demonstrate curiosity. By doing so, you are conveying that you are not repelled or frightened by the reality they are experiencing and that you are willing to witness them in their darkest moments.
As a leader, one of the most powerful acts of love is to witness someone’s struggles without judgment or a problem-solving mindset. Your role is simply to be present with them. This stance communicates two profound messages:
“I am here with you; you are not alone.”
“I trust you to take responsibility for your life.”
Do I understand?:
Understanding is not something you can declare; it is something you must ask about. Instead of saying, “I understand,” try saying, “Am I understanding?” This simple reframe shifts the dynamic in two important ways:
Asking this question requires you to embody an open and curious mindset. Beyond the words you say, your energy and demeanor will feel different to the other person. You cannot ask this question sincerely without being genuinely curious.
It encourages the person you’re speaking with to reflect and explore their inner landscape. This helps them become present in the moment, rather than reliving past pain or worrying about an unknowable future. By anchoring them in the present, your openness itself can be grounding.
Once you recognize the dynamic that underpins the phrase “I understand,” it can be hard to unsee. Learning to witness negativity without trying to control, resist, or change it can be transformative. I hope this small reframe helps you be more curious than certain in 2025.
