The Feeling That Shall Not Be Named
As we enter into a conversation about fear in August of 2020, we do so in a moment in time that is fraught with alarming information. Some of this information is accurate and informative and some of it is contrived and requires emotional labor that would be better served in other arenas. We are surrounded by communities that are fearful, and we are embedded in complex systems that are both professional and personal, and they all feel more connected and enmeshed because we are mostly at home. So, as you read and have this conversation with your colleagues, have grace for yourself and others. Anything unspeakable is unspeakable for a reason, and the reason we are surfacing these issues is because we hope that the conversation about fear, while hard, will also unlock new pathways, new opportunities, and new modes of thinking and feeling.
The Host: You, Me, and Us
Like a parasite, fear needs a host to survive. It consumes energy far beyond its fair share. Fear thrives in the dark, alone, and prefers anonymity. Fear of Death, Fear of Spiders, Fear of Loss, Fear of Failure, Fear of Rejection, Fear of Pain, Fear of Evil, Fear of Fear, Fear of Not Knowing, Fear of Knowing... But while there is an unlimited amount of things to be feared, there is only one host, and that host is us.
A Framework: Big Fear, Little Fear
Like so many things, fear is easier to discuss, unpack, and understand using a framework. With that in mind, please consider the following framework as one suggestion for how we might begin the conversation about fear:
“Capital F Fear” keeps you alive, and is experienced first physically and then psychologically. What this means is that in response to danger, our body produces a biochemical reaction, and then what we experience as our brain catches up and processes the situation later is a story that helps us make sense of what happened. Sometimes later is much later. This type of fear doesn't need you, it operates without your help, and you are just along for the ride. This type of fear can also be felt when you are afraid that someone very close to you might die. Picture the toddler in your care that wobbles too close to the edge of a raised deck. Picture the way your body reacts, moves, and possibly even acts without consulting your brain. “Capital F Fear” runs deep, and one might almost consider it fundamental to being human. Biologically, we have a survival/protective instinct that is wired into our brain deep below the prefrontal cortex. Self-awareness and metacognition will always ride in the backseat and let survival navigate and drive from the front seat. Even though a lot of Covid-19 fear seems like it might fit in this category, almost none of it does.
“Little f fear” is psychological first and then physical. This means that the response we have in our bodies is born from deeply held and unconscious patterns of thinking. Without those patterns, the physical response would be different. Whether we are in danger or not, we are capable of feeling like we might die even when we are not sure. “Little f fear” is smaller, less dangerous physically, but powerful and debilitating in its own right. “Little f fear” usually has roots in past experience and lives primarily in our unconscious. This means, we have it, but we think we don't. “Little f fear” is usually found in our projections, and the best way to figure out the source of our “little f fear” is to take a hard look at what we are rejecting in our personal and work life. What annoys us? What do we see as "other"? What ideas, people or actions do we fundamentally believe to be bad?
Right now, most Covid-19 fear is “little f fear” that can be traced back to an even deeper fear. The fear of the unknown or even deeper, the fear of not being able to guide or control the outcomes in our lives. Covid-19, the science around it, and the infinitely complex human biome are simply too complicated to actually confirm or deny specific and avoidable danger when it comes to Covid-19. But, it could kill you or someone you love, and it is the fact that it could, and we are not sure about how or why that makes it so powerful. But oddly, there is a long list of things that could kill us, but we don't fear them all equally or rationally or scientifically or even consciously.
The Unspeakable Nature of Fear
If you speak of fear, you are more apt to validate the existence of that which you fear, thus reaffirming the reason to fear it, and thus leading most of us to psychologically push it into our unconscious, project it out onto others, and resist or detest it in them. This makes it unspeakable. To speak about it, is to reclaim it as our fear, and to reclaim it is to feel it, and to feel it is scary.
Given this, what can we do?
Let's start with a fundamental norm that one can use when dealing with fear. Whether “Capital F fear” or “little f fear,” both are emotional processes that are valid, but not rational. Rational information, data, explanation or other analytical and seemingly intelligent responses are rendered useless in the face of all forms of fear. If you are reading this article and feel ill-equipped to deal with fear in your school or community, chances are you have tried to be calm, measured and rational, and you have seen how ineffective this is when confronting fear. The rule then is to never meet something that is emotional and irrational with rational thinking. This rule applies to all situations where someone is emotional. We, adults, were taught ridiculous things from a very young age that get in the way of truly meeting the emotional needs of people.
An Illustrative Vignette:
Falling off a Bike
Let’s look at a common vignette that almost all of us have experienced - either as a child or as a parent.
When a child falls off their bike adults often feel compelled to tell them, "You are fine." "There is nothing to be scared of." Think about how ridiculous that is. When a child falls off of their bike and skins their knee and sees blood, it is so clear that things are not fine. So at that moment, to have an adult look at you and say, "you are fine" is objectively one of the many ways that we teach kids to become disconnected from their emotions. "Why is this crazy adult telling me I am fine when I am clearly not fine?" When we do this to children over and over, they learn to stop trusting their feelings. Eventually, they begin to think it is irrational to feel upset when upsetting things happen.
Paradoxically, feeling the feeling is what helps it naturally evolve and dissipate. Rejecting the feeling creates a build-up, and puts that feeling in a metaphorical box in the body. Many adults I work with are walking around with so many unfelt feelings in their bodies, the thought of feeling even one of these emotions will lead to a Pandora’s box of overflowing emotions - an unwanted and overwhelming outcome and another irrational reason to continue a pattern of disconnection leading to debilitating anxiety.
What that adult really means at that moment when they say, "you are fine" is that the child is not going to die from a skinned knee. They are not tracking that they are projecting their fear of the child actually dying onto the child. The child is not afraid at that moment that they are going to die, they are just objecting to the fact that falling off a bike and skinning one's knee is not a favorable experience. Blood is all the proof they need. We are afraid that our children will die, and we are unaware at that moment that saying, "You are fine" is actually a way of reassuring ourselves that they are fine and will be fine. So, not only do we do this for ourselves, and not only do we do this without knowing, but it isn't even true. This vignette is instructive for the fear we are dealing with right now in schools.
When fear shows up, we must accept it as valid. Period. Feelings do not need to be rational to be real or valid. When someone is fearful in your community, don't tell them they are fine or that they don't need to be afraid.
The Solution: Accept and Feel Fear
We must understand that when we fail to accept fear, in any form, as valid, we are simply resistant to feeling fear in ourselves. We reject fear to protect us from feeling it. This self-protection also prevents us from connecting to self and others. This behavior is learned, not our fault, and unhelpful. Secondly, it is important to note that accepting fear as valid is not done verbally. It is an action. It is done by feeling our own feelings. If we say all the right things, but we don't actually feel the fear in us as ours, our words will be empty. In order to help support and empathize with someone dealing with fear, we must accept and feel our fear. We must accept things that are totally unacceptable like: I might die of Covid-19 or someone I love might die from Covid-19, I might completely fail at leading this school, team, division, group, I might make a bad decision that not only leads to bad results, but also gets laid squarely on me for blame. These things are true regardless of whether or not we accept them, but it is our acceptance of them, the ability to speak about them and hold them as valid that allow us to show up emotionally for those in our care.
The Opportunity
If you are able to create space in your community for fear to be felt, experienced together and discussed, then there is an opportunity to help you and everyone in your community see beyond fear to hope and possibility. To be explicit, there is no hope and possibility without going through feeling fear. The challenge is that fear needs food to survive, and the food that fear likes most is more fear. Fear will always seek confirmation by programming one's thinking and by seeking out people and experiences that confirm the validity and rationality of the fear. You will know you are dealing with fear when you find yourself surrounded by people that are also afraid, you will feel alone surrounded by these people. We come together to feed our fear, and paradoxically feel more isolated. Instead, we must boldly do and say exactly what we do not want to do or say. We must risk first without any guarantee of return. Speaking the unspeakable has the power to form a renewable energy source that can fuel innovation, hope, and optimism and create a well of authentic human connection and shared vulnerability.
By admitting we are afraid, that we are vulnerable, we no longer feed fear. Authentic vulnerability shared and scaled across cultures and communities is food for new growth and fear leaves to find other places to feed. Our power is in our ability to connect with each other and this starts by simply acknowledging that we both rationally and irrationally, both cognitively and emotionally, both personally and collectively feel fear.
